Other people felt, I didn't. I couldn't trust my feelings if I really had feelings. Maybe I was just pretending to have feelings. Something had broke during my childhood. I couldn't give up my feelings honestly and had consigned myself to a life of being trapped in the prison of my body, feeling something, but hearing corrupted versions emerge from my mouth.
I'd forgotten how to feel and wasn't happy. I believed there was something lacking, something missing from my life. I wasn't living at all. I was only interested in money and personal fulfillment. These were the driving forces behind me. I wanted things for myself. I wanted them quick and easy. I would blame everyone around me for my problems. I couldn't face the selfishness that had driven me into desperate situations. I made my own hell, in many ways, many times a day.
Sometimes I don't know if I should be here, in prison, or out with the people of the world. It's hard to take a step back and appreciate exactly what I'm doing here. You know, I look at myself, look at the people around me, and all I see are normal people with the same problems everybody has. I happen to believe people can change if they really want to. How can I worry about making money or looking for power after all of this? All my hardships are because of the choices I made. My mind is focused on the truly important things. What I need is the chance to show you my heart, to prove people can change. To show you love can surmount all obstacles. A chance is all I need.
The question is: How do I feel today? My head feels pretty much the same. I mean, I think the same way. I'm definitely still me. Which is good news for everyone who thought I'd walk out of here some born again monster. Here in my heart I feel amazing. I feel........I don't know. I feel right. Thats the best way to describe it. I feel optimistic about me, about what I could do. I feel as though I can be the person I've always wanted to be.
I am more fearful today than the day I entered prison. This is actually a good thing. For many years I hadn't been truly afraid of anything. I hadn't felt anything at all. I'd told myself that the failure to feel wasn't a bad thing. There were always things to do and see. I can now see how ridiculous I had been. I can see how deeply you felt for me. To be loved so much and not know it is astounding, and truly moving. Lets face it, when it came to emotion, I was damaged goods. I'm sorry I couldn't see it before now.
I first saw you sixteen years ago. It seems like a lifetime has passed by. I feel like I've know you forever. You've always had my best interest at heart. How do I repay such a profound investment? I feel the depth of our relationship: The easy familiarity, warmth and friendship. Does it hurt me to still love you? Not really. I've wrapped my head around the fact that we may never be together again. Almost seems like one of those tragic love stories. Hmm.....I suppose it is.
I accept that I have no control over anything but my actions. I dont' take anything for granted anymore. I used to go through life accepting everything that came my way. I didnt' get too excited because that was the way it was. You know that tingly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? That feeling of excitement and anticipation and happiness. I get that all the time these days. Sometimes just looking at shit, like the way the sun hits the mountains, or looking up at the stars and feeling that there really is hope for me. I get excited when we're having a good conversation. The worlds falling a part and I'm sitting here thinking these are some of the best days of my life. What does that say about me?
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