My need to control lead to a fear of change, suppression of new ideas and an intolerance of anything different. My ambition lead to a determination of becoming successful at all costs. My desires became obsessions that lead to greed, lust and jealousy. I was racing through life: Creating, changing, altering, and destroying. Always to the extreme. I needed to exert my control, ambition and desires. I had the choice of beneficial or detrimental ways. I chose wrong.
A commitment, once made, becomes a responsibility. Most everything we do involves a commitment of some kind. Commitment to a team, employer, spouse, and ourselves. The last is probably the most important of all. I never looked at commitment this way. The majority of commitments I've made were without realization of what I was committing to.
Marriage is one of the biggest commitments a person can make. It is a commitment for life. How many people can truly grasp anything for life? People in prison, serving a life sentence, have told me it took them years coming to terms with their sentence. Some never do. The day I was married, I wasn't thinking in terms of life. I didn't even try. I loved the woman, wanted to share my life with her and wanted her to be the mother of my children. That woman is no longer my wife but we still share a commitment. Our commitment isn't what it started out as - it has changed - but it's still a commitment for life.
A commitment I've made since coming to prison: To develop and use my emotions while transforming my mind and heart from self-centerdness to self-improvement and the necessity to be responsible.
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