Regret 2009

My early days of incarceration were difficult.  I'd lay awake at night, staring up into the darkness with thoughts running through my head.  The self-doubt was the hardest of all to deal with.  The thoughts, the doubts, the fears crowded my mind over and over and over; I'd run through the decisions I had made.  Could I have done something different?  Something what would have avoided this situation?  If only I could blink my eyes and find that everything had been a bad dream.

I regret the life I took.  The actions I've made that hurt and caused others pain.  I regret the lack of feeling I have toward people and situations.  If only I could flip a switch and feel what others feel, I believe I would.  I regret the decisions I made that turned the lonliness I felt into a stem and a bottle.  What I turned to was killing me.  I took risks no man should take.

I enjoy analyzing most situations, examining and debating both sides of any question - sometimes at great length and sometimes just for a reaction.  Today, I simply say what I see or believe - too freely at times - regrettably, people with devious minds see calculation in my honesty.  Have I not explained myslef clearly or am I being misunderstood?  Why would people think I'm bull shitting them or being insincere?  How much have I changed?  How much of what is inside me remains unchanged?  I regret this self-doubt I feel that leads me to question myself and motives.  Self-doubt is a disease and if it gets out of control it can, and usually does, become self-fulfilling.

Unitarian Universalists do not have much room for guilt or regret, at least not for beating up ourselves, but if it serves as a catalyst for insight and a motivator for change, then it can have value for us.  Insight plus feelings equals change.  I believe I'm headed in the right direction.  One day at a time is how I will turn it around.