Waiting 09

There is no good story that doesn't touch upon the truth.  Actually, all stories are true more or less, but you have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.  Too much truth confuses the facts.  Too much honesty makes you sound insincere.  It falls on the reader to separate the truth from the lies.  And remember, even in the lies, there are truths revealed.

I have a face that never shows anything - fear, elation, happiness, or anger.  I have been hardened by the pain and suffering I've witnessed and by the sense of loneliness I constantly felt.  I have a face that could watch a man die as coolly as another might watch a man eat dinner.  And yet, if you look carefully, there are traces almost like scars of emotion that have cut deep into my appearance.  This is because I'm a fraud.  I can pretend to be cold as ice and hard as rock, but underneath I've the same emotions as everyone else.

When we are children we seldom think of the future.  That innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can.  The day we worry about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.  What follow is the day I walked away from mine.

I was waiting for my punishment.  It was a moment that almost broke me.  Tears of fear, frustration, and anger welled up in my eyes.  I waited with a patience that had been beat into me.  As I was waiting this thought came to me:  that not only was I not happy, but for most of my life, save only a few moments, I had never been happy.  Other people were happy.  Why wasn't I?

I realised, kneeling in that corner, waiting for a punishment that would never come, that I had to take control of my life.  My fear and nervousness in which I'd lived with dried up and blew away.  I locked up my emotions.  I would become numb to my emotions and feelings.  I would not love, never pity, or show compassion.  I'll admit that compassion may have reflected in my eyes, but it was a luxury in which I could not afford to indulge.

Even at a young age I had the knowledge necessary to manipulate people and situations.  I understood that in order to manipulate a person, I must understand them first.  If I could see and understand a person for what they truly were - in every aspect - I'd have control over them.

Life consists of many life changing events.  Kneeling in a corner, waiting for a punishment that would never come, was just one of mine.