Are there good or bad reasons for loving someone? Can you love someone and want to hurt them as much as possible? Is it possible for her to love me now? Love what I've become because of all this? Does the man she loved really exist?
Love is predatory. It is concerned with pursuit, capture and enjoyment. It is caused by beauty, the way blistered skin is caused by boiling water; its an appetite, like hunger or thirst, a physical discomfort that tortures you until it is satisfied. It's what you feel when someone matters more to you than anything else. More than yourself even.
It's funny when something like love comes into your life. It gradually takes over and everything else gets pushed a side. Love is a substitute for rational thought. We all can make choices, it's what makes us unique. Love takes all your choices away. Worse still, love inevitably leads to the worst pain of all, when you lose the person you love. If she love him, I'd give her up without a moments hesitation because I love her. It would be the right thing to do. I'm prepared for this.
So, is what I feel for her love? Or just a habit, unwanted but now unbreakable; a dependency, which is what love always becomes. Like alcohol, or smoking; the need increases as the pleasure fades. And so maybe it's not love, in which case it could only be friendship; shared interests, an instructive comparison of perspectives, a meeting of minds, a pooling of resources. Not love. Different. Better.
Interesting post. Brings up questions I have thought about often.
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