Jealousy and Doubt 2009

I always listened more than I talked and felt lonely for it.  I fell into the trap of pretending to prefer being alone, thus leading to further loneliness in a vicious circle of solitude that I built for myself.  It is important to remember this.

You had given me no reason to doubt what you said.  I enjoyed taking you out.  I felt safe - comfortable - even when men would show you attention.  There was no jealousy in me because I knew it meant nothing to you, so it meant nothing to me.  Of course, I also believed that if you left me for another, I'd just find someone else.  That belief was my way of protecting and preparing myself for the day you would leave.  I never understood what you saw in me.

No man wants to admit he is jealous of another.  I would like to say the following:  "Joe, I have known her longer.  True, you have been inside the circle of her arms, tasted her mouth, felt the warmth of her, but there is a part of her that is only for me.  You cannot touch it, no matter how hard you might try.  And after she has left you I will still be here.  I will be here long after she has forgotten your name."  The reality is I am jealous of Joe.  I'm resentful and envious of the time he spends with our children.  Sometimes I feel as though he's trying to replace me.  I am jealous and resentful Joe is touching you in ways I thought no other man would.  And yet, I remain casual and polite when he is spoken of.  Why?  Because I brought this upon myself.  One more consequence of my actions.

I know you still love me.  We always talked about our futures being woven together, for better or worse, but I wonder if something in you will always associate all the badness we've gone through every time you see me.  Our relationship wasn't all wrong.  We did have some wonderful and precious times.  I wonder if you need to be free of me and seal up everything that has happened between us, like an old nightmare.  I wonder sometimes if I need to be free of you to start with a clean slate.  I suppose we both have mixed feelings for each other. 

You've been my friend, my love, my protector, my healer, and my guide.  You will always hold a very special place in my heart.