Sometimes I have dark moods. I never know why they come when they do or why they go away again. I've had them ever since I was a small boy. It feels like I'm drowning and there's nothing I can do to save myself. Like I could scream forever and nobody would hear me. Helpless! Like the only thing I can do to help myself is just die and get it over with.
Depressed people do strange things. I tried hiding my depression in a number of ways. I'd listen to loud rock music, drink from morning to night, and arrange lines of coke on a mirror to ingest with a straw. These methods gave others the opinion I was having a good time - made me feel less helpless. But really I was just running away from my guilt. I used my guilt. I wanted people to reject me, to leave me alone - make a victim out of me.
I'm in a dark mood today and have put my life under a microscope to dwell on what I see. I've allowed myself to do this because I've lost the will to speak with people. I was married to a wonderful woman. She divorced me because I had a problem. Of everything that has happened to me, that hurt the most. God knows I've committed crimes. I've lied, killed and betrayed, but those were all things that I did. She treated me as if I were a crime just being who I was. I must have terrified her.
Deep inside myself, I believe I betrayed her: Its hard to forgive yourself for deserting someone you love - someone who needs you. It gnaws away at your self-respect.
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