Anger 3/16/08

I've seen the effects sexual abuse has on a person; witnesses physical, emotional, and drug abuse.  Am I angry?  I am a victim of physical and emotional abuse.  Am I angry?  I've lost my marriage, my job, and all of my possessions.  It is impossible to be the father my children so desperately need.  Am I angry?  Yeah I'm Angry!!

I'm angry because at the age of nine I has hauling pig guts across a field with my bare hands.  I remember the feel of intestines sliding through my fingers and if I close my eyes, I swear, I can smell that metallic smell of blood mixed with shit.

I'm angry because I had to shoot a man in the chest and then watch his blood drip onto the ground like the slow leak of a water balloon.  What makes it worse, isn't the fact I did it, but I did it and don't feel anything.  Emotionally, I feel nothing.  Death means nothing.  Last year the counselor called me down and told me my Grandmother had died.  You know what I said?  I said "OK" and then went back to my block

I'm angry because I think about wrapping my hands around someones throat and squeezing until they piss and shit themselves.  I'm angry because no matter how hard I've tried, I don't respect people and see them only as a tool for me to use.

I've been asked what I see when I look in the mirror.  I've always given the, Oh I don't know, this or that answer.  What I should be saying is, I see a monster.  I look into my eyes and see a monster looking back.  He's in there and he's pissed.

I know about control, patience, and tolerance.  I fight with these everyday.  Everyday could be the day I stop fighting and it scares the shit out of me.