I've had so many disappointments, I've become inured to them. You'd think I'd be bitter, but in my state of mind there is only grey acceptance. I am alone here and in the world. All alone with my thoughts and feelings. For as long as I can remember, I've been alone. I realize that I will never attain the loving family I dreamed of; there is no point believing otherwise; acceptance is the only option. I was alone with my family. I wish there was someone I could of talked to about things. But there wasn't, not even my wife, my thoughts and feelings stayed locked up; it was the only way to protect myself. I am alone standing in a room full of people, just one more face in a crowd of faces. I hear the voices, but no friendly words. I am a stranger and have nothing in common with anyone. I am alone when I wake, and through each awful day. Alone when I lay down at night. Alone. Its one of those small words that mean entirely to much. Like fear. Or trust.
I am alone. I don't want to be alone. I'm not meant to be alone. I fucking hate it!! I hate that I turned my loneliness into women, drugs, and alcohol. I spent years using and sleeping with women, but no matter how high I got or how many women I was with, I still felt alone. I hate that what I turned to was killing me, and if I'd been allowed to continue; I would have died alone. I don't want to die alone. I hate that when I scream, and I do, that I'm screaming to make some noise, because noise itself is something to belong to. No one hears my screams. No one is here to help me stop screaming. If only I could cry, my tears would be a welcome companion. If only I could be seen, really seen, I would be understood, and maybe someone would care.
I'm trying to keep my fear at bay; not the fear of being alone, in a holding hands kind of way; I'm too strong and confident to need someone to fill my time. But of being alone in the world; I'm truly afraid to be alone like that. All I have ever wanted is to be close to someone, to feel as if I wasn't alone. I have lost everything; not just my family and friends, but my kinship with humanity, my sense of who or what I am. I'm more alone than anyone ever could be. Yet I still wish and hope. I'm still trying to do my best for everyone, despite my own situation.
I am alone. I don't want to be alone. I'm not meant to be alone. I fucking hate it!! I hate that I turned my loneliness into women, drugs, and alcohol. I spent years using and sleeping with women, but no matter how high I got or how many women I was with, I still felt alone. I hate that what I turned to was killing me, and if I'd been allowed to continue; I would have died alone. I don't want to die alone. I hate that when I scream, and I do, that I'm screaming to make some noise, because noise itself is something to belong to. No one hears my screams. No one is here to help me stop screaming. If only I could cry, my tears would be a welcome companion. If only I could be seen, really seen, I would be understood, and maybe someone would care.
I'm trying to keep my fear at bay; not the fear of being alone, in a holding hands kind of way; I'm too strong and confident to need someone to fill my time. But of being alone in the world; I'm truly afraid to be alone like that. All I have ever wanted is to be close to someone, to feel as if I wasn't alone. I have lost everything; not just my family and friends, but my kinship with humanity, my sense of who or what I am. I'm more alone than anyone ever could be. Yet I still wish and hope. I'm still trying to do my best for everyone, despite my own situation.
HUGS
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