Observations and Insight 9/24/09

I've done things were there was no rage, no temporary blindness, no limbs moving by themselves, not the slightest trace of a headache.  There was no anger at all.  You couldn't guess at the things I've done.  Awful, evil, obscene; The telling alone would disgust most, and make others sick.  Things I felt calm, sober, and sure of myself doing.  Things I enjoyed at the time.  They nag at me from time to time, but I tell myself that I had good reasons.  I push it all into the dark corner of my mind.  It's incredible the room that's back there.  Amazing what I can live with.  I often wonder if I'm heartless or simply know how to control my emotions.

I have a dry sense of humor.  I'm a man with a strong personality; one with a definite idea of how I want things done.  Some people are intimidated by my confidence, even forward, personality.  As a result people think very little of me, at first, and I suppose I can hardly blame them.  I don't think very much of myself, believe me.  When was it that I became this?  By small degrees I suppose.  One act presses upon another, on a path I had no choice but to follow, and each time there were reasons.  I did what I had to.  Then one day I woke up to find:  A man of violence and restraint, calculation and compassion.  One hell of a combination.

Suffering is what gives us our strength.  We learn more from our failures than successes.  It's the way we face failures that defines us.  There's nothing I despise more than self-pity in a person!  I had lost everything, but still had plenty of choices.  I could of remained defiant, even resentful, and continued to think that I knew everything.  Or I could learn and change my ways, and start to build a new life.  My decision was easy.  I had resisted in arrogant defiance for too long.  To end uup here, inprisoned.  All my twisting, my lying, my bargains, my pain, and for what?  For this?

I feel what I feel.  I would like to feel as other people do.  I would like to weep, but the tears will not come.  I feel less than nothing most of the time.  I am trying.  I am trying very hard.....to be a better man.  At the start of building a new life, I decided the only sensible thing was to live for small rewards:  A job well done, the sound of my children laughing, and the company of loved ones.  Makes it easier to deal with the harsher sides of life.