My Reaction 10/10/09

On October 16, 2006 I was behind the wheel racing down the road.  I was a madman, driving like a maniac, and met with disaster.  I ran my vehicle into another at 96 mph.  The car I hit went into the ditch, hit a stonewall and rolled over coming to rest against a tree.

I had ambitions and things I'd thought I would never be able to lose, but here I was on the verge of losing everything.  Was I a good person?  I had been once, I was sure of it, but that was before the car crash turned everything upside down.  How could one event destroy everything so completely?  I wondered what the future held for me.  At 30 I'd known everything about myself.  Now, at 32, I knew nothing.  I was flailing around, lost, and nothing made sense.

I feel into a deep depression that left me uncaring and emotionally unavailable.  I barely spoke to anyone.  I would look at my wife and children and not say a word.  I had withdrawn, retreated, and I was hurting everyone around me.  Some part of me would have liked to open up, but I didn't want the sympathy.  I couldn't bear it.  It was as if a part of me had died.  I accepted that I couldn't be who I wanted, but what could I do?  Remain in a life I had no empathy for, pretending to be someone else?  The only option I saw was to make who I was, someone I could live with, whatever the cost.

I dealt with my fear by ignoring its existence and avoiding its origin, but my self-imposed denial was driving me to the edge with complete disregard for my own health, both mental and physical.  I wanted to forget who I was.  I just wanted to have fun and set off to do that.  I allowed drugs and alcohol to cloud my thinking and judgement.  In my state of mind nothing was too dangerous or taboo.

I was a selfish man.  I destroyed my family with the single-minded commitment I had to myself.  I didn't think of my children and how they must have felt to see me abandon them.  Their father who had always been in their lives.  My only motivation was my own selfish pursuits.  I wasn't concerned about how many people I hurt along the way.  The life I lead after walking out on my family was a mix of hedonism, heavy drug use, and a sex life that had few boundaries.

The truth is.....I was running.  I didn't have a plan.  I ran from place to place hoping in some way that everything would turn our for the best.  I was hoping because I didn't know what to do.