Writing down my story - disclosure - was an important step in my growth process. If I ever start to feel to "full of myself" I will be able to pull out that story and read it to remind myself of where I have been and where I could go back to, if I indulge in - what I like to call - my "defects of character". Its a sobering thought.
In my story I recount many escapades that occured under the influence. But I also began to explore the character defects that are apart of me. For example I talked about my disregard for others (especially women). I describe myself as a selfish person who was willing to hurt those who meant a lot to me. And I talked about power and how much I wanted power to control others. These are all honest reflections that I continue writing about. Not only about the experiences, but also about how those experiences shaped the person I am today.
I spent many years using drugs, alcohol, and sex to blunt my involvement with life. I now realize that personal, spiritual, and moral growth is stunted by alcohol, drugs, and other addictions. So all the years I spent in the grip of addiction kept me from developing my character. So now I have to remember - I am just beginning to enter a life of change and growth. I cant be to hard on myself if it doesnt happen overnight. I will need time and the help of my friends and family to grow into the man I want to be. And if I am not sure who that man is, I just ask myself: What would a man who loves and respects himself do in this situation? Then act like that man even if I'm not sure he is me. Make sense?
I have taken big steps in admitting to myself, to my good friends, and to you that I have moral flaws. Heck, we all have flaws, but we cant all honestly own up to them. I have made a moral inventory and shared it. I can never go back to the life I had before. I am a changed person.
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